Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My life is pants optional.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
