So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
