so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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