just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
