Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
