DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Enjoy the penises
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize