dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
you never un-have a 4some
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
