that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
