There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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