made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
