Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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