Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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