**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
