You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize