hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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