I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
