highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
