I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
