i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
