six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
