I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
