god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
