I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize