I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
