So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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