i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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