This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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