I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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