dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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