i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
