i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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