Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
