That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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