True but thats because hes a fetus.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I smell like Dick and happiness
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