I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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