I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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