He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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