Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
