Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
