just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
