At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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