based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I have fence marks all over my body
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
