vagina is talking i cant
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
