you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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