So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
