I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
