Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
