i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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