they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
