I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
