I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
