I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
