i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
