so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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