My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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