and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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