She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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